A few months ago, I was having a conversation with a friend about new relationships. He was developing a theory (he’s always developing a theory) about how you can usually tell if you’re compatible with someone by just a few criteria. It varies between individuals, but everyone has some small collection of questions he or she uses to weed out potential partners.
When I asked him to clarify, he gladly did (he’s always happy to clarify). “I like to ask a girl what kind of sushi she likes,” he said. “And if she says she doesn’t eat sushi, then why the fuck am I even talking to this girl? And if she’s like,” he paused to change his voice to high-pitched and squeaky. “‘Oh, I like california rolls,’ then I’m like meh, okay, we’ll see. But if she’s like, ‘I get octopus, yellowtail, squid salad, and a new roll each time,’ then I’m like DAMN GURL. ”
I didn’t bother asking for another example because I knew he would go on.
“Second point: the kind of car she drives,” he said, probably pausing to drink wine (he likes wine). “I mean like, the car she chooses to drive. If we’re younger and it’s just like a matter of circumstance that she’s driving a Geo Tracker, I won’t judge her.”
“The Tracker was awesome and you know it,” I said. He wasn’t going to get away with dissing my bitchin’ ride during high school.
“But the car she chooses to drive – the one she bought when she could choose what ever she wants. If she drives something like a Neon, I’m probably going to hate her. And she probably doesn’t read a lot.”
“Just like if a guy picks me up in a truck. I bet he’s listening to Big and Rich and probably won’t get my Arrested Development references,” I said.
“Yes. Point three… how does she like her steak done? If she gets it well-done, then shit – why not just order a hot dog?”
“Might as well be eating leather,” I said.
“Point four….I haven’t thought of. I’m still developing this theory,” he said, then probably changed the subject to something he saw on Twitter the other day.
I wanted to come up with a list of my own criteria, but I liked his too much to get rid of them completely, so I decided to include them in my list. Before you judge me, just know that I can do ridiculous things like this right now. As a
girl woman who is 1082974937% single, it’s responsible to be thinking about how to distinguish between the men I tolerate and the ones with whom I’d like to drink craft beer.
I don’t pretend true compatibility is so easily reduced, but these are a few points that will need to be addressed or determined by some means within the first few dates.
- What kind of sushi do you like?
- Realistically, what kind of car do you see yourself driving?
- How do you like your steak?
- Red or white wine?
- Have you done a jaggerbomb unironically in the last two years?
- How often do you talk to your mother?
- What do you wear when you work out?
- Do you use Netflix for tv shows or movies?
While there aren’t correct answers to these, their answers will indicate the level of our compatibility. I’d like to date someone who is adventurous (tries new food), responsible (doesn’t waste money on needlessly jacking up a car), unafraid (steak is rare to medium-rare), spontaneous (red and white, OBVIOUSLY), intelligent (idea for a thing: jaggerbombs that lower sperm count), independent (a pleasant conversation or two each week), confident (no t-shirts cut from the shoulder to the hip, showing off his pecs), and easy-going (tv shows).
That being said, if Ryan Gosling picked me up in a rusty Fiesta to drink Coors and jaggerbombs while he talked about how much he benched that morning, I’d probably still look forward to his “Wut up” text the next day.
My point? Ryan Gosling is hot & women are fickle.
8 thoughts on “Jaggerbombs & Sushi: Determining Romantic Compatibility”
Loved it! Hilarious and the end is ….well perfect. What can I say? Big fan of Ryan…
HA! Ryan Gosling could ride up on a rusty unicycle, and I’d still be amenable to getting dinner.
Thanks to Che for steering me toward this – totally awesome!
I love that your mom is a big fan of Ryan Gosling. My advice to all men? Just be Ryan Gosling.
Why don’t more men understand this?
It’s pretty common sense. I am trying hard and failing miserably at being Ryan Gosling. No wonder my wife and kids are so bitter about me.
bensbitterblog ~ Too funny! Just be yourself and try not be intimidated by Ryans looks. LOL
“Have you done a jaggerbomb unironically in the last two years?” — This is the best compatibility question I’ve ever come across! Too funny. I guarantee Gosling would eat that question up.