Thanks, Dan Savage.

I have a job that allows me to maintain a high level of productivity while listening to music and podcasts. I listen to a lot of This American Life (best $2.99 I’ve spent on an app), Radiolab, Stuff You Should Know, Stuff Mom Never Told You, The Athiest Experience, Freakonomics, Reasonable Doubts, Rationally Speaking, The Moth, and Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me. A few months I ago, I added Savage Love to that list too.

I have mixed feelings about Savage Love, mainly because Dan Savage is not only extremely abrasive at times, but he holds very liberal views when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. Those views make me reevaluate my conservative background and my ideas of what constitutes a romantic relationship. If both parties consent, are open relationships okay? What about kinks? What about ‘play parties?’ A lot of the stuff discussed on the show makes me, quite frankly, very uncomfortable, because I’m realizing I’m not as ‘vanilla’ as I thought. This fact is intimidating, exciting, and a little embarrassing.

This is awkward. My parents read this.

Anyway, since I started listening to Savage Love, I’ve had a Dan Savage voice in my head giving me advice – not with love and relationships, but everyday problems. I think everyone could benefit from an inner Dan Savage voice.

Problem #1: The cold pumpkin spice latte I got all excited about the return of Starbuck’s famous latte, so I left early to pick one up on my way to work. I sat down at my desk, checked my email and saw a reminder for my health screening, reminding me of my 12-hour fast. I had to wait 40 minutes to drink my latte. By the time I got to it, it was lukewarm and underwhelming.

“Boo fucking hoo. If your biggest problem is a cold fucking latte, consider yourself lucky. Seriously. You work at a company that offers a $40 giftcard if you get a decent grade on your health assessment. You have a fucking job! Be happy you can buy a damn latte.”

Problem #2: The injured foot. I’ve been running everyday this week. Last night, I did a shorter run and finished with some sprints up a few flights of stairs. I’m not sure how, but I hurt my left foot. Feels like a bruise or strained muscle or tendon? I don’t know anything about anatomy. Anyway, I just know that my ankle and outside of my left foot hurts and I’ve been walking funny all day.

“Shut the fuck up. You ran. Your body isn’t in perfect shape. You knew when you were running up those stairs that you were going to hurt something, so don’t act fucking surprised when your foot hurts. Get a fucking Icy Hot patch and quit your bitching.” 

Problem #3: The Dead Car. I came home from work and was looking forward to getting groceries. When I left my apartment, my car died. Just died. Didn’t putter out. Just died. Like it just went, “Nope. No groceries for you. Go back to your apartment and cry.”

“Call a fucking mechanic and get it fixed. Don’t be a moron and think it’s going to take care of itself by you just hoping some fucking magic pixie will wave her magic wand and turn your car into a 2013 Corolla. It’s a fucking old car. Quit your bitching and put money aside for a new car. You’re a fucking adult. Act like it.”

Thanks for helping me get through Thursday, Dan Savage. 

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2 thoughts on “Thanks, Dan Savage.

  1. Pingback: It’s my birthday and I’ll angry-cry if I want | Everything is Blooming

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