Every Thursday, I dig out an old diary and share an entry sans editing (in hopes we’ll all see my grammar and apostrophe use improve) with a short commentary. If you like laughing with/at Young Ashley, feel free to use the handy search bar to the left and simply type “Throwback Thursday” and you’ll find the whole archive. Thanks for reading!

Thursday September 6, 2001

This is awesome! Cory asked me out yesterday @ lunch! I wanted to write yesterday, but I was busy with poms & homework!

Ok, I was talking with Cassie, Nicole, Tommy, Ericka, & Lacie when Louis came over. “Hey Ashley. Sup, homie?” (God Louis! You’re not living in the freaking ghetto!)

“Hey.”

“If Cory came over here and asked you out, would you say yes?”

All of the sudden Ericka screams, “Hell yes!”

So I’m like, “Yeah.”

So he goes to find Cory and I’m way too embarrassed to look, so here I am, freaking out w/Cassie. I’m like, “Oh god. I’m so embarrassed, I’m so embarrassed…”

“Omigod! Here he comes!” Ericka exclaimed.

“Oh god no!”

“I’m just kidding,” she was laughing. So Louis, Justin, and DeShaun are pushing him over by me, & when he gets there, he’s kind just looking at me, & finally is just like, “Will you go out with me?”

“Yes.” I felt so bad 4 him, he looked so embarrassed!

So then Louis goes, “Aw come on now, kiss the bride.” But he didn’t.

Tommyy was laughing, “So you’re going out w/ my cuz?”

Ericka’s like, “He’s your cousin?!”

“Yep.”

“COOL!”

He’s so quiet around me. In science, we got a new seating arrangement & David sits next to me & he was flirting w/ me big time. Justin’s in there too & he’d probably tell Cory I was flirting w/ David or something, so I ignored him. & in Algebra, every 5 mintues, Justin would ask, “You still going out with my homie?”

“Yeah.” I said. (At least he’s not bugging me like b4.)

So when I get home I go online & talk 2 Megan who moved 2 Eau Claire & I tell her about Cory.

“Oh.” She says. “I’m sorry, but I honestly think you could do better.”

So I got mad so I ignored her for the rest of the time.

I wrote him a note 2, and he wrote me back the next hour. Turns out he likes Sum41 too.

LOL, then @ lunch, we were hanging out with Cassie & Tommy and she goes, “All of our couples r matching! Me and tommy r stripes, Ashley and Cory are the athletic peoples!” (I had 2 wear my poms uniform and Cory had his football jersey on 4 the game 2nite.)

G2G get sum zzz’s! ❤ ya! Ashley

Wow. I sort of just want to smack myself every time I revisit this time of my life. Not because I was stupid, but because I didn’t have the confidence to go with my gut. Remember all of those PSAs about the danger of drugs and peer pressure? What about the danger of stupid boyfriends and peer pressure? Where were the PSAs about that?

I suppose I’m glad I wasn’t hanging around with a group of people who were experimenting with drugs or huffing, though I did hear rumors about the latter in eighth grade. It’s just so obvious that my actions were subject completely to what my friends thought I should do. Perhaps more unsettling is that I don’t look back at these people as my friends – just people who allowed me to hang around them in middle school. I was satisfied to be hanging out with the cool kids even if I was uneasy & unsure of their acceptance. I ignored the the girls who were my actual friends because they weren’t as popular. Those girls are hardly mentioned in this journal.

Teen movies made it seem like I was supposed to be like this as a teenager: wearing a pleated skirt and shaking pompoms for my boyfriend on the football field, then gossiping and lying to my parents about parties. I figured it would carry on into high school with underage drinking (I always imagined how I would just say, “No thank you” to a plastic cup of stinky beer) and swapping boyfriends (that trend from middle school never really did seem to end, if I remember correctly). I was intimidated by all of this, but I just thought that was how my teenage years were supposed to be spent – constantly uncomfortable and feeling awkward around the people you call friends. Which isn’t that far from the truth, now that I think of it.

I didn’t trust this group because I knew how much gossip was tossed around, Part of me thought  I’d eventually be the subject of some Carrie-level humiliation. I don’t recall this ever happening, but I think that’s why I eventually parted with the group. Even as a thirteen year old, I knew there was only so much anxiety and distrust I could handle in my life.

I think it was the following year, freshman year of high school, that I really began upping my dork-status: getting REALLY into orchestra and real excited about preparing for Solo & Ensemble competitions. This wasn’t conducive to jocks forming crushes on me or getting invited to the parties where kids got drunk and laughed about the rumors from Friday’s party.

You’re all intuitive enough to see that my romance with Cory isn’t one for the ages, even if we were both wearing the gender appropriate school-provided apparel. It was neither passionate nor beautiful, pretty much just consisting of us sitting there while people talked about us to us. SWOON.

Every Thursday, I dig out an old diary and share an entry sans editing (in hopes we’ll all see my grammar and apostrophe use improve) with a short commentary. If you like laughing with/at Young Ashley, feel free to use the handy search bar to the left and simply type “Throwback Thursday” and you’ll find the whole archive. Thanks for reading!

Friday August 10, 2001

So I was at Cassie’s house the other night and Tommy and Chad came over. Chad showed us his cheerleading routine and he went up to do a toe touch and his pants fell down! It was so gross. (Not that I saw anything, he had boxers on!) Then we just sat and watched the stars. It was great. One of those times when nobody expects anybody to flirt or hookup, but just hanging out like friends. IDK, my mom would probably freak if she found out I was laying on a trampoline w/ 2 guys. (No, I wasn’t alone w/ them, Cassie was there.)

LOL, then after they went home, we went on aol and talked to Ron & Tommy & Ron told Cassie he liked her. (God I would die!) Then we made all this dough from flour & water. It was all sticky and everything so we threw it @stuff, so if you looked at the ceiling, you’d see all these clumps of dough, it looked so funny. Then Cassie got an idea to stick a creamsaver in the dough, and you’d give your dough ball to the other person. The 1st person to get your creamsaver out won. But you could only use your moth. Oh jeez, that was so gross. It was sticky and all over my lips, lol. Then we put dishsoap, bath bubbles, shampoo, and handsoap on the kitchen flour, along w/ some water. Then, omg, she had these pads (yeah, THOSE kind) that were huge I swear they’re 1 1/2″ thick! N/E ways, we stuck them on our feet and slid around on the bubbles. It was so much fun. I almost did the splits twice. Jeez, that’s the last thing I’d thought I’d ever do. It was hilarious! 

Luv ya Lotz!

You know how when you’re little and your parents threaten you with “Someday you’re going to have kids just like you!”? I sincerely hope my kids never have sleepovers like this. I’m okay with the boys being over – even if they are the questionable kind that wear pants baggy enough to fall down after a toe touch. But throwing flour-water dough at the ceiling and walls? Covering the floor with bubbles? How the hell was any of that ever cleaned up?

I’m trying to remember where Cassie’s mom was during this whole thing. We weren’t friends for very long – just seventh and eighth grade from what I remember, but I remember a lot of unsupervised time. An entry just before this tells of a time swimming at her grandparents’ house that also included Chad and Tommy (jumping in the pool with clothes on, the boys riding Fisher Price toys off the diving board). A birthday party took place at a hotel – the girls all in a separate room while her mom and aunts were in another, most likely having a party of their own. Some people might look at this and call it irresponsible parenting, and if my mom knew half the things we did or how much time we spent with boys, she probably wouldn’t have wanted me hanging out with Cassie as much. I think her mom was home during the dough and soapy floor fiasco, so it’s pretty amazing that she didn’t wake up.

My friendship with Cassie was my short glimpse into the life of the popular kids. It was filled with late night conversations on AOL, phonecalls between boys and girls, notes passed back and forth discussing gossip and boyfriends, sleepovers heavy with antics, and parties whose invites were coveted. I wonder how my life would be different if I had hung out with Cassie in high school. I probably would have studied something practical like supply chain management (whatever that means) and be married to a nice accountant. Or maybe I’d have ended up pregnant from a one night stand in college, raising a blonde daughter on my own.

Eventually, I was no longer able to hide my dorkiness and Cassie and I parted ways. I didn’t take things too personally. Boys told her they liked her. I had obsessive crushes on neighbor boys I was afraid to talk to. She had cheerleading practices while I scrapbooked and scribbled in my diaries. Maybe she really did enjoy my friendship and maybe she truly did care about me, but I always felt like I was afraid to do something stupid for fear she’d decide I wasn’t cool enough for her, then she’d tell people about how dorky I was and I would never have a date to the prom and my life would be over.

I never did go to the prom, but I don’t think not being friends with Cassie had anything to do with that. I feel like I should note that sticking maxi pads to our feet while wearing glow-in-the-dark boxers we had purchased from Gap (light blue with stars) and sliding around on bubbles is one of the more ridiculous things I’ve done while sober. Second only to half the things I did at 18. But that’s for another post.