Every Thursday, I dig out an old diary and share an entry sans editing (in hopes we’ll all see my grammar and apostrophe use improve) with a short commentary. If you like laughing with/at Young Ashley, feel free to use the handy search bar to the left and simply type “Throwback Thursday” and you’ll find the whole archive. Thanks for reading!

Thursday September 6, 2001

This is awesome! Cory asked me out yesterday @ lunch! I wanted to write yesterday, but I was busy with poms & homework!

Ok, I was talking with Cassie, Nicole, Tommy, Ericka, & Lacie when Louis came over. “Hey Ashley. Sup, homie?” (God Louis! You’re not living in the freaking ghetto!)

“Hey.”

“If Cory came over here and asked you out, would you say yes?”

All of the sudden Ericka screams, “Hell yes!”

So I’m like, “Yeah.”

So he goes to find Cory and I’m way too embarrassed to look, so here I am, freaking out w/Cassie. I’m like, “Oh god. I’m so embarrassed, I’m so embarrassed…”

“Omigod! Here he comes!” Ericka exclaimed.

“Oh god no!”

“I’m just kidding,” she was laughing. So Louis, Justin, and DeShaun are pushing him over by me, & when he gets there, he’s kind just looking at me, & finally is just like, “Will you go out with me?”

“Yes.” I felt so bad 4 him, he looked so embarrassed!

So then Louis goes, “Aw come on now, kiss the bride.” But he didn’t.

Tommyy was laughing, “So you’re going out w/ my cuz?”

Ericka’s like, “He’s your cousin?!”

“Yep.”

“COOL!”

He’s so quiet around me. In science, we got a new seating arrangement & David sits next to me & he was flirting w/ me big time. Justin’s in there too & he’d probably tell Cory I was flirting w/ David or something, so I ignored him. & in Algebra, every 5 mintues, Justin would ask, “You still going out with my homie?”

“Yeah.” I said. (At least he’s not bugging me like b4.)

So when I get home I go online & talk 2 Megan who moved 2 Eau Claire & I tell her about Cory.

“Oh.” She says. “I’m sorry, but I honestly think you could do better.”

So I got mad so I ignored her for the rest of the time.

I wrote him a note 2, and he wrote me back the next hour. Turns out he likes Sum41 too.

LOL, then @ lunch, we were hanging out with Cassie & Tommy and she goes, “All of our couples r matching! Me and tommy r stripes, Ashley and Cory are the athletic peoples!” (I had 2 wear my poms uniform and Cory had his football jersey on 4 the game 2nite.)

G2G get sum zzz’s! ❤ ya! Ashley

Wow. I sort of just want to smack myself every time I revisit this time of my life. Not because I was stupid, but because I didn’t have the confidence to go with my gut. Remember all of those PSAs about the danger of drugs and peer pressure? What about the danger of stupid boyfriends and peer pressure? Where were the PSAs about that?

I suppose I’m glad I wasn’t hanging around with a group of people who were experimenting with drugs or huffing, though I did hear rumors about the latter in eighth grade. It’s just so obvious that my actions were subject completely to what my friends thought I should do. Perhaps more unsettling is that I don’t look back at these people as my friends – just people who allowed me to hang around them in middle school. I was satisfied to be hanging out with the cool kids even if I was uneasy & unsure of their acceptance. I ignored the the girls who were my actual friends because they weren’t as popular. Those girls are hardly mentioned in this journal.

Teen movies made it seem like I was supposed to be like this as a teenager: wearing a pleated skirt and shaking pompoms for my boyfriend on the football field, then gossiping and lying to my parents about parties. I figured it would carry on into high school with underage drinking (I always imagined how I would just say, “No thank you” to a plastic cup of stinky beer) and swapping boyfriends (that trend from middle school never really did seem to end, if I remember correctly). I was intimidated by all of this, but I just thought that was how my teenage years were supposed to be spent – constantly uncomfortable and feeling awkward around the people you call friends. Which isn’t that far from the truth, now that I think of it.

I didn’t trust this group because I knew how much gossip was tossed around, Part of me thought  I’d eventually be the subject of some Carrie-level humiliation. I don’t recall this ever happening, but I think that’s why I eventually parted with the group. Even as a thirteen year old, I knew there was only so much anxiety and distrust I could handle in my life.

I think it was the following year, freshman year of high school, that I really began upping my dork-status: getting REALLY into orchestra and real excited about preparing for Solo & Ensemble competitions. This wasn’t conducive to jocks forming crushes on me or getting invited to the parties where kids got drunk and laughed about the rumors from Friday’s party.

You’re all intuitive enough to see that my romance with Cory isn’t one for the ages, even if we were both wearing the gender appropriate school-provided apparel. It was neither passionate nor beautiful, pretty much just consisting of us sitting there while people talked about us to us. SWOON.