How to end a 60-hour work week

I spent today being a professional, so I thought I would contrast that by sitting on the couch and watching  television. So far it’s been fantastic. On the way home from work, I made a mental list of ways to unwind from your 60-hour work week.

  1. Listen to ridiculous music. I recommend something borderline annoying and abrasive. Gangnam Style fits, but I think it helps when you’re singing words and not just sounds. My personal favorites are T Swift (We are Never Ever Getting Back Together is a good one), anything by Kanye West, and recently, the Ting Tings. I think I’m about five years behind the trend, but I’ve listened to this song about eight times tonight.
  2. Buy yourself some beer. But only if you’re of legal age. If you have a favorite beer, go for that – but you can treat yourself to a Pick Six, because seriously – you’ve worked 60 hours this week. Treat yo’self. 
  1. Eat terrible food.Obviously, I don’t mean eat food that tastes terrible. Eat food that is in no way nutritious for you. Pizza is okay, but it’s got the cheese and meat which has protein – and that’s nutritious. Stay away from that crap and make yourself some of this crap:

     Mix 1 package funfetti cake mix, 2 cups yogurt (plain or vanilla), 1 cup whipped cream. Eat with crap: (vanilla wafers, graham crackers, teddy grahams, oreos, thin mints, etc)

  2. Get Hulu Plus. Or get Netflix and have your roommate pay for Hulu Plus. Just make sure you’re able to watch the last week’s episodes of The Daily Show and the Colbert Report so you can stay informed just enough. 
  3. Put on sweats. I’m not explaining this.

My Pick Six included a blueberry lager, a coriander ale, and four other bottles that could never be compared to Corona. I think this photo is indicative of my versatility as a worker. (ie: the ability to rock a silky mint blouse, have voluminous hair, and take low-quality selfies with my tablet)

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Rules for When You See Your Ex-Boyfriend

  1. If possible, wear an in-ear speaker that plays a continuous loop of yourself reciting all the reasons you’ve broken up/why he’s now an asshole. 
  2. Avoid alcohol, you moron. 
  3. Don’t revisit rituals from your relationship. Did the two of you play Scrabble together? Not allowed. Did you drink Guinness and watch Burn Notice? Don’t even think about it. Feel free to drink caffeine-free tea and watch Shark Week reruns though. 
  4. Keep your damn pants on, you moron. If you’re wearing a dress, put on some spanx since they’re essentially vagina armor.
  5. Wear your least sexy underwear so that in the event the pants or spanx are removed, there is one more barrier before you do something you regret. Yes, ladies, this means you could and should pull out the granny panties you only wear when you have your period. 
  6. Don’t create new and novel memories. Never shot a pistol? Don’t do it with him. Anything fun and exciting that will be remembered as a personal milestone should not be acted on unless you wish to forever remember the first time you shot a handgun was on a sweltering hot July day with your ex-boyfriend’s new Walther 9mm while sweat stung your eyes and dripped down your back. Or something. 
  7. Notice how he changed and how he stayed the same and react appropriately. Exhibit A: Does he wear a new cologne? Does it smell like pine and an intimate toy cleaner? Take note. Exhibit B: He shows up with 3-day stubble and wearing that grey t-shirt he knows you love? Pompous ass.
  8. Stay out of the bedroom. I don’t care if you just got a new bed and you’re living in a new apartment. He’s not allowed to see it. If he’s spending the night, he can sleep on the damn kitchen floor with a towel and an uncased pillow if you’re feeling generous.
  9. Remember that there is no such thing as unconditional love. Then remember your damn conditions, you moron.
  10. Don’t. Just don’t see him. It’s not a good idea. Nothing good can come from it. You’ve broken up for a reason. Remember that reason. Maybe he said he was “missing something” (he probably still is) or maybe he kissed some indian bitch who plays the flute (he probably gave her a hickey), or maybe he’s unsure of how he feels (he probably still needs to shit or get off the pot), whatever the reason, it probably still exists and you have no more time to waste.