Humor

Things I Inherited from My Father

/ Ashley / 3 Comments
  1. My left thumb. I think it’s technically called a clubbed thumb, but it’s much more charming to say that one thumb is my mom’s and one is my dad’s, right? 
  2. My hangovers. I envy people who can go into work hungover with their cute little headaches and grogginess. My hangovers are all-day puke fests. Saturday night, I went out for the first time in months. My apartment is just a few blocks from downtown, and I hadn’t taken advantage of my proximity since I moved in three months ago. I had two beers (one was an AMAZING creme brulee milk stout), a mixed drink (bartender thought I wanted a little lemonade with my vodka), and a jaggerbomb (bought for me by a boy I remember as a Jersey Shore character). Sunday morning, I woke up wanting to die. I spent all day in sweats, curled up in a blanket, taking frequent trips to the bathroom to get rid of my stomach contents. When I say all day, I’m worried you’re thinking that I mean till 2 or 3. I didn’t start feeling like a human until 7:30. I peed for the first time at 8pm. I ate my first and only meal at 8:30, and I was still a little worried I wouldn’t keep it down. After I recovered, I visited my parents and my dad told me that’s what his hangovers are like, which is why he never gets drunk. Smart man.
  3. My Sense of Humor. It’s crass. A bit abrasive and often sarcastic. I’ve tweaked it by adding a bit of self-deprecation. My dad might say, “Well, you just have to be smarter than what you’re working on.” I might say, “Well hell, I thought I was smarter than the thing.” We love tv shows like 30 Rock and Community – the twisted sort of sense of humor that’s a little obnoxious and meta.
  4. An Unwarranted Affection for Law & Order SVU. I know. it’s a terrible show. Each episode is essentially the same, the only variations are Munch’s one-liners and Elliot Stabler’s latest personal crisis. Once I start watching an episode, I must finish it. I have to see it to the gruesome end where the rapist gets away because of a technicality or the pedophile somehow tricked his way into getting immunity. If there’s a Law & Order marathon, it’s probably on my father’s television and he’s probably playing solitaire on his computer while half watching Ice-T get melodramatic with a uncooperative teenager.
  5. My Need to Plan Things. I like to know the game plan for things, even if it’s just a guess. What time should I expect my friends for dinner? Where will I meet you after work? What is happening for dinner? This is also closely tied to my impatience. If I say I’m going to pick you up at 7:30, be ready and waiting at 7:25. If I’m going to meet you at 5, I’ll probably show up at 4:45. I like to have a little breathing room in case I run into a problem.

Best father/mechanic/confidant a girl could ask for

I have to say, of all the things I got from my father, I could definitely do without the hangovers.

Thanks, Dan Savage.

/ Ashley / 2 Comments

I have a job that allows me to maintain a high level of productivity while listening to music and podcasts. I listen to a lot of This American Life (best $2.99 I’ve spent on an app), Radiolab, Stuff You Should Know, Stuff Mom Never Told You, The Athiest Experience, Freakonomics, Reasonable Doubts, Rationally Speaking, The Moth, and Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me. A few months I ago, I added Savage Love to that list too.

I have mixed feelings about Savage Love, mainly because Dan Savage is not only extremely abrasive at times, but he holds very liberal views when it comes to love, sex, and relationships. Those views make me reevaluate my conservative background and my ideas of what constitutes a romantic relationship. If both parties consent, are open relationships okay? What about kinks? What about ‘play parties?’ A lot of the stuff discussed on the show makes me, quite frankly, very uncomfortable, because I’m realizing I’m not as ‘vanilla’ as I thought. This fact is intimidating, exciting, and a little embarrassing.

This is awkward. My parents read this.

Anyway, since I started listening to Savage Love, I’ve had a Dan Savage voice in my head giving me advice – not with love and relationships, but everyday problems. I think everyone could benefit from an inner Dan Savage voice.

Problem #1: The cold pumpkin spice latte I got all excited about the return of Starbuck’s famous latte, so I left early to pick one up on my way to work. I sat down at my desk, checked my email and saw a reminder for my health screening, reminding me of my 12-hour fast. I had to wait 40 minutes to drink my latte. By the time I got to it, it was lukewarm and underwhelming.

“Boo fucking hoo. If your biggest problem is a cold fucking latte, consider yourself lucky. Seriously. You work at a company that offers a $40 giftcard if you get a decent grade on your health assessment. You have a fucking job! Be happy you can buy a damn latte.”

Problem #2: The injured foot. I’ve been running everyday this week. Last night, I did a shorter run and finished with some sprints up a few flights of stairs. I’m not sure how, but I hurt my left foot. Feels like a bruise or strained muscle or tendon? I don’t know anything about anatomy. Anyway, I just know that my ankle and outside of my left foot hurts and I’ve been walking funny all day.

“Shut the fuck up. You ran. Your body isn’t in perfect shape. You knew when you were running up those stairs that you were going to hurt something, so don’t act fucking surprised when your foot hurts. Get a fucking Icy Hot patch and quit your bitching.” 

Problem #3: The Dead Car. I came home from work and was looking forward to getting groceries. When I left my apartment, my car died. Just died. Didn’t putter out. Just died. Like it just went, “Nope. No groceries for you. Go back to your apartment and cry.”

“Call a fucking mechanic and get it fixed. Don’t be a moron and think it’s going to take care of itself by you just hoping some fucking magic pixie will wave her magic wand and turn your car into a 2013 Corolla. It’s a fucking old car. Quit your bitching and put money aside for a new car. You’re a fucking adult. Act like it.”

Thanks for helping me get through Thursday, Dan Savage.