So yesterday I got a haircut. I haven’t been into the salon since June, so I was long overdue. What I didn’t mention the other day is that after I found out another of my exes was engaged, I just about reached for a bottle of wine before I realized I had to be able to play a quartet gig a few hours later. I was also sick of my hair, so I was thinking of cutting my hair. For a split second, I actually considered cutting my hair while drinking malbec from the bottle. I decided to just go with the hair cutting.

After 45 minutes of hacking away my split ends with dull scissors, I came to the conclusion that I know nothing about cutting hair. I put some pomade in it and decided to make it look rockstarish – because what else could I do with a bunch of uneven layers?

Last night, I got sick of it and decided to actually pay for a haircut. After careful consideration (hours of Pinterest scrolling), I decided (again) I wanted to look like Zooey Deschanel. I saved the picture  and showed it to the stylist.

“I want the Zooey Deschanel look,” I said.

“So, bangs, but sort of blended in towards the corners, right?”

“Exactly – not blunt, but rounded.”

So she shampooed my hair and started cutting. Like most walk-in appointments, it was full of awkward conversation and avoiding eye contact through the mirror. As soon as she found out I play violin, she kept talking about her son who has Aspergers who plays violin. That really got her going.

That was when she got to my bangs.

What I should have done was distract her. I should have told her about my cart-wheeling violin student. Or about seeing the world’s best musicians. Or even about how I had just been singing along to Taylor Swift on the ride over. What I should not have done was allow her to cut my bangs while she was passionately explaining to me the difference between Aspergers and ADHD.

The thing with bangs is that once they’re too short, there’s no real coming back. You just have to wait until they grow out. I thought about telling her to round the edges more, but I was scared to see what else she would do to them. I look like a toddler whose older sister tried playing hair stylist. So I’ll be taking the maximum daily dose of biotin until my bangs grow out.

Anyway. Zooey Deschanel hairstyle? Not so much.

Sure, Stylist I Tipped Too Much, those bangs are sort of like Zooey’s.

Also, if someone could explain to me why my nose looks gigantic in 80% of my selfies, that’d be great.