OkCupid messages tend to speak for themselves

Since I’m on a kick to meet new people, I decided to make a profile on OkCupid. I don’t think I’m supposed to be telling people that I have an online dating profile, but whatever. I’m in a much better mindset than the last time I tried online dating, so it doesn’t feel so pathetic. OkCupid seems a lot less sketchy than POF. If POF is the back alley where rape happens, OkCupid is the public park where drug deals happen at night so you don’t go there after sunset. I imagine Match and the other paid services to be like trendy reservations-only wine bar.

My experience so far hasn’t been too bad. My profile doesn’t go too in depth, but I mention that I read, write, and never go anywhere without my Kindle. I also have a disclaimer that says “If you don’t spell well or use poor punctuation, we probably won’t get along very well.” I think that has significantly decreased the amount of messages I get from douchebags. However, it’s still split about 50/50 as far as creeps/non-serial killers. I don’t respond to many messages, because quite frankly, I’ve only come across a handful of promising candidates (pre-law student from Milwaukee, small business owner from Green Bay, purchaser for a manufacturing company from Neenah) I like the idea of narrowing the dating pool to men who share similar interests and values. I realize, of course, that a guy can claim anything on his profile. Before I meet any of them, I’ll talk with him for a few weeks to make sure he’s not a serial killer. It doesn’t take long for me to weed out the ones I’m not interested in, especially if under “I’m really good at” they list shotgunning beer. True story.

I’m trying to come up with an appropriate introduction to this, but it’s just not working, so I’ll just jump right into it. The following are the most ridiculous messages I’ve received in the last few days, as well as the responses I would like to send:

63% compatible: You’re kinda hot, are you friendly?

Well, you used the correct “your/you’re”, but no. I’m not friendly. Also, you look like a cast member from Jersey Shore, and I don’t GTL or use bronzer.

42% compatible: What’s up Charlie’s angle

Charlie’s angle? Do you mean Charlie’s Angel? 

0% compatible: Yummi 😉

I just threw up a little.

45% compatible: How does this sound hope on the back of my motorcycle up to door county sit on one of the cliff sides n we right poems or short stories on ur kindle 🙂

You have no idea what a Kindle is, do you?

73% compatible: Hello how are you doing I just have a question do you go for the men with looks or do you go for what they have to offer you and treat you like gold and may I add that you are extremely beautiful

I go for good looking men who treat me well. Can I ask a question? What do you have against punctuation? 

0% compatible: Hi, I like ur profile, wanna chat? Would u step barefoot on a cake?

What. The. Fuck. 

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12 thoughts on “OkCupid messages tend to speak for themselves

  1. I guess you have more grace and restraint than I carry. I tend to tear into the people who leave ridiculous messages (after reviewing their profile for ample ammo). In a way it’s therapeutic. Like when I have a bad day or feel down about myself, I browse Craig’s List personals and instantly feel better about my life.

    Actually, I am a terrible person.

    • The more I think about it, I’m not really sure why I don’t send these messages. I think it’s because I don’t really want to invite more conversation with these men? I’m pretty sure that if I’m ever drunk and on OkCupid I’ll lose all filter and tell them they’re all morons.

  2. OMG! Seriously I am glad I dont have to date anymore and am married! Guys time to grow up and be a man. LOL Very funny Ashley!

  3. I’m on okc, too, and so far it has been rather lame. It is fun to make fun of all the bad messages, though! Well, maybe you’ll have better luck than I have. I love your comparison of okc and pof lol.

  4. Oh man! That’s priceless. I tried that site for oh, about two weeks. I only responded to two guys. The first one turned out to be a creeper who wouldn’t even let me finish a cigarette without sending me the “what are you doing?” “are you ignoring me?” “please stop ignoring me” texts, never using capitalization. The second well, maybe I should just write a post on him. He was a trip and a half.

    • Yeah, I’ve had a couple like that. I found that ignoring them for a day or two gets rid of them pretty quick. I went on a few dates off the site, and didn’t have too bad an experience, but I still prefer the organic in-person meetings.

      • Same here. I do have a friend who met her husband of ten years online. Of course, back then it was complete taboo.

  5. Pingback: I know I’m confusing, I’m a woman. | Everything is Blooming

  6. I’m going to go out on a limb here. As I near the year 25 bump, I find that more men are into asking me out directly. Weird, but surprisingly refreshing. I did OkC for a while but hated the messages I would get and found it hard to establish a connection with a guy who didn’t have the balls to just ask me out. Anyway… I ignored a lot of the people with bad grammar. Turns out that one of the guys who asked me out in real life on the spot had terrible grammar and spelling (as I would find out in texts much later) but certainly knew how to treat me and rock my world–so to speak–much better than any credentialed boyfriend I’ve had to date. Yes, OkC is good for weeding out, but sometimes you weed out the wrong ones.

  7. Ive come across the strange “barefoot cake stepping fetish” man as well!

    Im actually engaged to a wonderful man I met through the site, so be patient! It does however seem to be clogged with wierdos, assholes, and man-children. Good luck to you!

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