Like a black hole, but with emotions

/ Ashley / 4 Comments

In a perfect world, I would have posted more in the last year, because so many wonderful things have happened. I fell in love and started a new career. It felt like my real life started. But it’s not a perfect world. Instead of posting, I was learning about business analysis & writing requirements by day, kissing & laughing with Mike by night.

I’m posting now because it’s the only thing I can think to do. When my heart feels fractured and my contacts salty, my mind gets restless. For the last few months, I’ve sought easier outlets than writing: HBO, new crochet projects, wistful novels, adult coloring books, and binge-drinking. Writing about pain is difficult. Writing about personal pain is exhausting. Writing about family pain is dangerous.

Yet here I am, about to dig in.

The specifics aren’t important, but the basics are probably necessary. The last time I saw my mother was on my birthday, February 29. She left without notice in early March. The last time we spoke was mid-April. She filed for divorce sometime late April. She’s been with a man in Oregon since early June. The last time we exchanged texts was Saturday, while I was recovering from a hangover. The night before I either instigated an argument or cornered her into confessing her sins, depending on your perspective. Either way, I blame alcohol.

Part of me is terrified to write about this – privately or publicly; the other half doesn’t give a damn – it is what it is. These thoughts and feelings have been churning for a long time, and I haven’t been able to do much with them. I talk to Mike. I see a counselor. I try to spend time with my dad and brothers. I take vitamin D and sleep in on the weekends. But when I slow down, I realize I’m buckling under the weight. I just want to be past all of the frustration.

I thought my depression phase of the grieving process was very short. There were only a few days in June where I couldn’t concentrate and slept so hard I woke a zombie. Other than that, I’ve been angry. My counselor assured me that I would likely be going through cycles of grief for the next few years. The idea is daunting. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’ve never had to deal with something so emotionally massive.

This isn’t just something I’m going to have to deal with over the course of the next few months. I’m going to have new questions, frustrations, and concerns as I hit my own milestones.

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My emotions, circa spring/summer 2016. Everything is at the event horizon, basically.

I want my rhetorical questions to have answers.

How? When? Why?

Spoiler Alert: Not Schadenfreude

/ Ashley / 1 Comment

I got an email from WordPress today that summed up my 2015 blogging. And I went “Oh yeah. I have a blog.”

It’s been over six months since I’ve posted. That’s a long time, even for me. I can’t promise everyone will enjoy reading this post, but it’ll be pretty damn easy for me to write. Some people might be annoyed but I don’t really blame them. I’ve been there. Other people’s happiness isn’t fun or exciting, it’s pretty boring.

For most people, at least. Not my readers. You people love other people’s happiness – especially mine, right?

In a nutshell, my life got really good over the last seven months. I started a new job and fell in love.

The Job

I started my new job as a Product Analyst in September. I do business analysis now and I absolutely love it. Basically, I work with the users to identify problems, then I work with technology to identify solutions. business-analyst

I still have a lot to learn, but so far I love it. I get to work independently and I spend my days testing systems that are still being developed, talking with users to get a better understanding of how to improve their work, writing requirements, and doing all sorts of problem solving.

The Man

Mike and I actually met last summer, then connected at a wedding again last December. We spent the entire reception together, talking and dancing, then capped the night off with what was definitely the best first kiss ever. We didn’t actually talk again until July, but we’ve basically been together ever since.

I had a good feeling about him since our first date in July, but it’s been better than I could have hoped. He manages to do all these things I didn’t think were possible in a relationship. I can laugh with him like a best friend, but he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He makes me feel secure without smothering me. I’m just so damn happy with him.

It’s been a whirlwind six months, but I remember breezy sunsets, late summer rain, kitchen dancing and bourbon kisses, pancake breakfasts, and a lot of breathless laughter.

A few weeks ago, we were putting ornaments on the tree, and we came across a few ornaments – favors from the wedding last December. It was surreal. Even after that night at the wedding, it never occurred to me that I would be decorating a tree with him.

Regardless, I’ll take it.

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