If only I could kickbox while drinking wine…

I’ve been in the mood to try new things. The mood typically doesn’t last very long so I do my best to take advantage of it. I figure if I try new things, I’ll meet new people, learn something about myself, and maybe find a new hobby. Last week someone asked me what my hobbies were – other than reading and writing. I had hard time answering. It was sort of sad. I thought about what I do when I have free time and it basically amounted to a lot of wasted time – browsing the internet, shopping for new bedding without actually purchasing anything, reading, thinking about writing, painting my nails, and  if I’m ambitious, baking or cooking. So I’m on the hunt for a new hobby.

If you have any suggestions, please share. I really want to find something new to get excited about. I’ve tried a few things the last week. These are my observations.

Volunteering 

I was required to do 36 hours of community service to graduate high school. I graduated with honors and high community service honors, which meant I completed over 150 hours of community service. Sounds very altruistic, doesn’t it? It sounds great until you hear that to get my community service hours I managed the wrestling team. For four nights a week, I sat in the gym for two hours doing homework and watching the best looking guys in the school roll around and occasionally take their shirts off. On the weekends I helped score matches where I met and flirted with wrestlers from other schools.

I know. I’m practically Mother Theresa.

I was overtired and feeling sick when I saw a posting at work for the biannual environmental stewardship initiative at Riverview Gardens, so I’m not really sure why I decided to sign up, but I did. We would have a tour of the gardens, plant for a few hours, then end the morning with a Subway lunch. Since I had nothing planned, I decided to give it a go.

The gardens are located on what used to be a country club. The club house still stands, as does the pool house next to an empty pool. The golf course is overgrown enough to make men in plaid pants weep. A non-profit was able to get the land and is now using it as a venture to involve the community and deal with the root causes of poverty and homelessness with a market garden enterprise, park space, and job training. It’s just in the beginning stages, but they have some great people involved in the program and as I saw throughout the morning, it’s all extremely well planned out.

I spent the morning planting hazelnut trees. One group planted pecan trees, and another helped make garden beds. I planted seven trees, helping with about 50 trees that morning. These trees are going to serve as the top canopy that will eventually create areas in the garden. Apparently these trees will help regulate wind damage, temperature, and even humidity for the plants on the lowest level.

I walked away feeling pretty good about myself. I was covered in dirt, and even though I was wearing gloves, had dirt all over my hands and under my fingernails. It was pretty neat to be a part of something. It’s been a while since I’ve felt I’ve contributed to something bigger than myself. When I realized that, I suddenly felt very selfish. I’ve since signed up for a volunteer orientation this Saturday afternoon.

Kickboxing

Katie and I found a Groupon a few weeks ago – $20 for 30 fitness classes. We went to our first class on Monday night. We didn’t really have any idea what the class was going to consist of. The website said the class was a cardio and strength class. It said nothing about kickboxing. When we got there, we signed a few sheets, were handed a pair of gloves and told to take the five o’clock position by our bags. One of the instructors gave us a quick view of the basic moves – jab, cross, high block, and low block. She failed to show us the kick. So when that came, the cheerleader in me decided to make a return by insisting my kicks all be high and with pointed toes. Yeah. Rapists beware, I can kick above my head with an admirable velocity. If I’m able to kick your chin, I’m certain you’ll be injured or at least lose your balance.

We were the youngest people in the class. This was both great news and terrible news. Great because we didn’t have any peers to compare ourselves with (we would inevitably be left feeling inadequate). Terrible because we were shown proof that at least a dozen middle-aged women could kick our asses and were more coordinated than the two of us combined.

I found that it was an exercise in embarrassment more than anything else. At least for the first class. But I walked away feeling pretty badass. It was a great way to relieve aggression. I don’t think that there are many socially-sanctioned ways for women to blow off steam. Men are encouraged to play sports where they can be aggressive. I don’t know a ton about sport technique, but I imagine if you’re feeling angry, you’re going to throw a ball pretty hard and far or you’re going to hit that linebacker (right?) with as much force as possible. Basically, they have outlets for the tension that builds up from daily stresses. Women are encouraged to do the domestic things – baking, cleaning, cooking, reading, writing, exercises like walking or biking. No matter how vigorously you stir that muffin batter, it’s not going to make you less pissed off at your gossipy coworkers. Of course nobody is telling women not to participate in more aggressive activities, but it’s seen as a novelty when they actually do participate in them. “Oh, that woman shoots guns on the weekends? That’s badass!”

But here….here in kickboxing class, women beat punching bags. I don’t know anybody else’s motivation for each punch, but I certainly had a few faces in mind when I was flailing my limbs in the general direction of the bag. I say flail only because my kicks were so pathetic. I landed most of my punches, though I can’t say how much damage they would have done on a person.

Spinning

I don’t get this. I love biking so I thought I would really enjoy this. But it was awkward. A dozen or so women on stationary bikes, furiously pedaling toward nothing. Though it was an underwhelming experience, it was the fastest workout I’ve ever had. Also, it was the hardest bike ride I’ve had in a long time. We simulated hills by changing gears, did a time trial in which we were told to maintain a high wattage for three minutes, did “sprints” (5-second bursts with addition of a gear – trust me, it’s harder than it sounds), and then finished with a four-minute run (pedaling with your butt off the seat). It lasted 45 minutes, but when I got off the bike, I felt like I had been there for ten minutes. It was ridiculous.

Also, I was reminded that bike seats are incredibly uncomfortable.

Drinking Sauternes & Blogging 

This has been my favorite part of the week so far. A friend gave me a housewarming gift of two bottles of muscat, a 1999 sauternes, and non-Walmart wine glasses.  I’ve never had a sauternes before. I’ve read about it in Jean Feraca’s memoir where she romantically described noble rot, but I was constantly aware the fact that the woman has gigantic nose, so I was distracted. Anyway, despite knowing that this wine is made from grapes covered in fungus, I love it. It is sweet and honeyed tasting, the absolute perfect way to end a day. Pretty much the definition of dessert wine. Moscato doesn’t have anything on sauternes.

I’ve been sitting outside for the last hour or so and I’m feeling quite buzzed from the single glass. This might be because I haven’t had much to eat or drink this afternoon. There’s a heat advisory and I saw this as a challenge to either go for a run or further dehydrate myself by drinking a glass of wine. Obviously I chose the latter.

I have a few more things planned this week – strength and resistance on Thursday night which I’m sure will be a cruel reminder that I am incredibly weak – yoga on Saturday, followed by a crochet lesson in the evening. I’ll report back on these and let you know if I discover a new hobby.

Books I Think the World wants to Read

Recharging Your Kindle & Other First World Problems

Why Do I Watch Hoarders: How to Make Yourself Clinically Depressed in just 40 Minutes

Cooking for One: Why I insist on cooking in underwear when I’m home alone

……

Exciting and provocative stuff, huh? This is what I come up with when I’m on night time cold medicine.

I was momentarily convinced people would want to read these books. A lot of people. The combination of nighttime cold meds, a sudden case of insomnia, and the internet probably isn’t a good one. My sleepy brain is convinced that everything I think is wildly clever.

And that, my friends, is the purpose of my blog.

That stupid thing I did yesterday afternoon

So yesterday afternoon,  I did a stupid thing. Something I can’t believe I’m about to blog about. Whatever. I’m doing it for the sake of literature.

Who I am I kidding? I need for somebody to laugh with me. It was pathetic. A low point. I have a feeling that, despite my initial enthusiasm about my new apartment, I will find myself having many pathetic moments that will serve as good blogging material. When I say good blogging material, of course I mean self-obsessed ramblings that no one actually cares about. Nevertheless, I pretend everyone is  wildly entertained by the way I combine words. I suppose that’s a pretty good working definition for a writer: one who deludes herself into believing people find her word combinations intriguing.

Maybe I’ll return to that.

Anyway. I was home alone for the day with nothing to do. I had just returned from my parents’ house to see the new kittens and was feeling sorry for myself since even the damn cat had friends to hang out with. I only let that last a few minutes before I made plans for the night. But I still had plenty of time to be alone before I was going to meet up with my friend. So naturally, the only thing I could do was turn on Netflix and make a profile on POF – formerly known as Plenty of Fish.

Before you react, I’ll tell you that you’re probably right in whatever you’re assuming. Yes. I was lonely. Yes, I was feeling ugly. Yes, I was feeling self-indulgent. And yes, I was at such a pathetic point that I actually thought I would be comforted by strangers telling me I was pretty.

It worked for a while. Within two hours of making a profile, I had over 50 messages sent to me. Most of them were messages from men who I am not remotely interested in  (re: Men whose picture is taken with a camera phone in front of a mirror, men over the age of 13 who find it acceptable to use “u” in place of the actual pronoun, suspiciously old-looking 29 year olds, men who list beer pong as a hobby) that were just “wut up. u r pretty. wanna hang”.

I kept getting emails saying that men wanted to meet me. And then I had these bubbles pop up on the side of the screen, telling me that men wanted to chat with me. I didn’t really know what was going on and I ended up chatting with a guy for a while. He seemed like a perfectly nice young man. We got to talking about relationships and what we were looking for. As the conversation went on and each of his messages reminded me of his apparent animosity for punctuation, I realized I didn’t want to be doing this. I didn’t want to be chatting with some guy who couldn’t bother to separate his sentences coherently. Furthermore, I didn’t want to be comforting myself in such a disgusting and cheap way.

So I did the mature thing. I ended the conversation with niceties (“It was nice chatting with you. I’m sure we’ll talk again soon”) and deleted my account. That’s the nice thing about online anonymity – you can do things like completely blow off a guy you’ve been talking to for an hour without having to see what an asshole you look like.

I’m going to call this my own version of the rebound: shamelessly and selfishly taking advantage of someone’s affections to make myself feel better momentarily. For a few hours, I was able to quantify my allure. See? I am still pretty and at least 50 men wanted to meet me and/or rape and kill me.  But when I finally peeled myself away from the screen, I realized I was still alone in my apartment, wishing I was talking to one person and one person only. And until I get to a point that I’m just lonely in my apartment, I don’t have any business flirting with someone else. It’s reckless and selfish. No one wants to feel like he’s in a relationship with someone who feels she needs to be in a relationship. She should want to be in that relationship, not just any relationship.

And yes, it would be much less painful and probably a lot more fun to heal if I had somebody to hang out with constantly, somebody who I knew I could call whenever I wanted and have him come over and shower me with affection. But I also know that I’m not going to find the deep and meaningful connection I’m longing for in something right now, because at this point, I can only offer superficiality. I can’t share myself or my complex emotions with another person because I’m hesitant to deal with the responsibility of another person’s emotions since I’m still dealing with so much of my own pain. Momentary distractions might serve as a cheap salve, but they won’t actually help my healing process. It’s a bandaid over a bullet hole.

So in the meantime, I’m going to just keep drinking tea, watching Netflix, and singing along to Regina Spektor because she’s the only one who can truly express what I’m feeling right now.

Now that I’ve effectively scared off any future beaus, I’m going to go to take some nyquil and go to bed.

Just individual egos, crazy for love

So, I just got internet in my apartment. I came home after work and attempted to secure my wireless network. Then I realized I’m a silly girl who has no idea how to do such a thing. I screwed it up and then a friend told me about the reset button. So as of right now, my internet has no password. But I’m connected. That’s the cool thing.

Somebody should come over to my apartment and secure it for me so my neighbors don’t hack into all of my very sensitive files (17 drafts of my seminar piece, 9 attempts at the above shot with my webcam, russian vocabulary translations).

I have a feeling that someday I’m going to turn into the sort of person who begins every sentence with “My therapist says…” Right now, I’m too poor for that. But it’s good to have something to aspire to, right? Anyway, I realized the other day that I’m certainly my own brand of crazy. Crazy isn’t the appropriate word, but my head hurts too much to think of something else. But everybody is. We all have our weird quirks and terrible ways of dealing with things. Me? When I cry, I fold my tissue into halves. I try to prove that whole seven times thing wrong. I don’t think it’s worked. But I do my damndest. I’m a very dedicated worker. I could go more into this, but I’d rather eat ice cream for dinner and quickly change the subject.

I’ve also been reading my Norton Anthology of Short Fiction for fun. I haven’t touched it since my intro to creative writing class about ten years ago (I lied, it was only about four, but it feels like it’s been ten years), so I’ve been reading stories for what feels like the first time. I spent about $70 on the thing to read four or five stories out of it that semester. Apparently the professor had never heard of a copier. It’s become the thing I fall asleep with at night. It’s a nice giant book that feels like a bible but with way more insight into the human psyche. It’s fantastic.

Like that ditty, from Donald Barthelme’s “Me and Mrs. Mandible”. Tell me that isn’t true. I dare you.

Oh, I’m also reading Freud’s Dream Psychology Psychoanalysis for Beginners. You know, for fun. Making fun of Freud is something that will never get old. I promise you. I expect to someday talk to a therapist about things in this book.

I’ve also been self-medicating again. Large doses of Ok Go and evening jogs on the trail near my apartment. Going almost two weeks without internet forces you to get creative with your time. There is really only so much a phone and 3G can do for a girl. She’s forced to return to books and writing without blogging. It’s weird. There isn’t any immediate gratification from pressing that “publish” button. She has to write the kind stuff that requires (and deserves) revision.

If you’re feeling down or lonely, I can’t recommend Ok Go enough. I know, they’re that band you liked in high school and pretend you’re too cool for now, but seriously. You’re a robot if this video doesn’t make you smile or at the very least breathe a sigh of relief. Listening to this band will decidedly end your pity party.

Also, that’s the first acceptable use (outside of the military) for a ghillie suit that I have ever seen.

I think my therapist would say I’m avoiding what’s really bothering me.