Blizzard Walking

Since most of my readers live in a 30-mile radius, you all know that I survived Blizzard Brianna. I hate when blizzards are named. It’s a snowstorm. Stay inside and you’ll probably be okay. Hurricanes deserves names – they’re massive storms capable of real and significant destruction. The blizzards in the midwest haven’t been very bad for the last few decades.

That being said, Thursday was still a terrible day to be driving, but I went to work anyway. My twenty-five minute commute turned into an hour-long drive, mentally writing my father a thank you note for letting me borrow his four-wheel drive Durango. I joined the majority of the office by leaving at noon. I spent most of the afternoon on the couch reading Calvino. But by about four, I was bored and ready to do something.

While driving to work that morning, I had seen a girl walking in the snow. She wore a peacoat, thick scarf, and a cozy hat. It reminded me of when I lived in Milwaukee. I used to listen to a lot of sad bands like The National. Whenever it snowed, I’d set the discography on my ipod to shuffle to walk the seven or eight blocks to campus. On the way, I’d muse in the most melancholic of fashions – noting how beautifully sad the sagging porches of college houses looked. I would imagine myself going into the Russian foods store and telling the clerk I wanted to try the vodka-filled chocolates I’d heard about. Sometimes I’d daydream about bumping into a handsome stranger at the laundrymat, both of us completely unaware of the obvious meet cute we were part of. Inevitably, these thoughts would be cut off as soon as I remembered they were either disgustingly sentimental or completely improbable. Then I would feel sorry for myself and focus instead on how the singer’s voice sounded the way I imagined whiskey would. Then I congratulated myself on such a clever description.

So I decided to bundle up and take a walk to a coffee shop about a mile away. I made a playlist of Damien Rice, matt pond PA, and Minus the Bear (because seriously, what else do you listen to during a blizzard?). It was a really beautiful experience, traipsing through the snow and feeling the cold sting of flakes pummeling my cheeks.

The coffee shop ended up being closed anyway, but I didn’t mind. The purpose of the walk was to push myself into a happy melancholia. And it worked. I was enchanted by everything: the starry headlights of skating cars, the frosted elegance of tree branches coated in crunchy snow, and the shimmery gusts flying beneath streetlights.

An hour and 1.5 miles later, I was across the street from a thai restaurant, considering curry for dinner, when I realized I lost my debit card somewhere in the snow. Instead of freaking out and telling the world to fuck off, I just called my bank and canceled my card. I’ll just have to wax nostalgic while I write checks for the next ten days.

Bridge

Boots

College ave

Lawrence Chapel

Cozy

It might not look like it, but I was totally okay with having a runny nose.

Lookit! Lookit! New things!

A few Saturdays ago, I woke up feeling sort of bored. My options were pretty wide: sit in my bed and read or write, go to the last farmer’s market of the year, grab coffee somewhere and pretend I was some artistic genius struggling to write a poem in a spiral bound notebook, or give myself a new hairstyle. I decided to give myself a new hairstyle. Since I’ve been watching a lot of New Girl (and like every other twenty-something girl, I have a bit of a girl crush on her), I decided to give myself bangs.

While in Milwaukee a few years back, I tried to rock bangs (my Feist obsession was at an all-time high), but I ended up getting feeling uncomfortable with them, so I pinned them back and let them grow out. That time I took a scissors and cut straight across my forehead about 40 minutes before an orchestra concert. That could have ended disastrously. I’m incredibly brilliant sometimes.

This time, I took the 30 seconds to google how to cut my own bangs, and they ended up looking pretty good. I think they make me look a lot younger than what I had before then.

Exhibit A: Summer 2012, tanned and blonde so I could feel like a bombshell while my soul died in a cubicle.

Exhibit B: Autumn 2012, pale and brunette so I can feel artsy and slightly superior when I wear leggings and boots

Good god. I look like a completely different person.

Anyway, I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my bangs. Many of my coworkers (including some who have never talked to me previously) say that it fits me. Some days, I feel really confident about it, while other days I miss my forehead being cool. I’m sure it sounds silly, but it’s a bit tiring to adjust to such a different style.

Other new things: my job. I LOVE it. I know I’ve talked about it before, but I’m really enjoying my new position. This week I have my first client visit. Really looking forward to one of my first interactions as a professional.

Last week, I got a Kindle Fire HD. I’ve spent plenty of time playing around on it: listening to music, reading books, reading magazines, watching youtube, Netflix, and Prime videos, browsing the web – it’s just awesome. I haven’t been disappointed yet. I thought I might not enjoy reading on the back-lit screen (that was my biggest hesitation when switching from my classic Kindle to the tablet), but it’s really quite nice. It’s been especially easy to switch between Infinite Jest and Elegant Complexity (the excellent reader’s guide). I may tire of it, but I figure if I do, I can always just get the basic Kindle for my serious reading sessions. Or you know, I guess I could pick up an actual book.

The latest thing to always be in my purse

I’m going to sit down and write a good post tomorrow, so please excuse this ditzy “oh mah gawd, lookit me n mah stuff!” post. You know I’m better than this.

Seriously though, I’ve got to go fix my bangs and take pictures of myself in flannel with my new gadget. Ciao!

This is me in my flannel pajamas being a dork while I try out the HD camera on my new Kindle.

In Defense of T Swift

T Swift came out with a new album on Monday. I’ve listened to it more than once. Since I’m not seventeen, I feel like I need to explain myself.

A few years ago, a boyfriend asked me if I thought T Swift had staying power. I tried to think of a way to say, “Yes, you moron.” What I did say was something along the lines of “Yes, she does. She sings the songs that every girl can sympathize with.”

There are some musicians I really love (Esperanza Spaulding, Broken Social Scene, Bon Iver, Santigold). And there are other musicians that just entertain me (Kanye West). Taylor Swift is somewhere between those two places. I don’t think that T Swift makes complex and challenging music. I don’t think she claims to do that. But she does make damn catchy pop songs.

I started listening to Taylor Swift during the disintegration of the “Scott” saga. At the time, I was still driving my family’s Geo Tracker. I remember driving home on the highway, sing-screaming You’re Not Sorry (He wasn’t) and Picture to Burn (I tore up them up because I didn’t have a fire pit) while the wind kicked around the vinyl top. I was relieved nobody could see my sob-screams, because I was 21 and convinced that T Swift made teenage anthems that were the epitome of commercialized carp.

It was obviously therapeutic. I had finally found music that was reflecting exactly what I was feeling, but with this air of empowerment. While I was feeling shame and embarrassment about the breakup, she was embracing the feelings unabashedly. She was hurt. She was pissed. And she was making a lot of money off of it.

For the last few months, I’ve been brainstorming an essay about my transition from a girl to a woman. I’ve felt a pressure to be mature and womanly from a very early age. I don’t know why and right now, I don’t care to speculate. The point is  that I never felt comfortable embracing my girlish feelings. I didn’t want anybody to know that I could be insecure, the victim of unrequited love, or feel like that crazy girl who wanted to humiliate her ex-boyfriend. Listening to T Swift is how I reconnect with the part of myself that I feel like I didn’t allow to surface when I was a teenager.

This isn’t to say that I was a cool, mature teenager. My diaries from that time eliminate any possibility of that. I just didn’t want people to know about my craziness, which is probably why I listened to a lot of emo and wrote about it all in notebooks.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m enjoying Red. It’s annoyingly poppy and catchy, but I love it. It doesn’t make me think deep thoughts about the intricate feelings of love and longing, or the quiet intimacies that happen in my head during a crisis.

But it does allow me to connect with those emotions that occur so obnoxiously that I don’t care to examine. They’re those universal emotions that feel unique, despite that they’re anything but. It’s what I hate and what I love about pop music.

Pop music is not for the cynical or skeptic, which is probably why I don’t listen to it much. Though it’s my default setting, it can be exhausting to maintain. T Swift gives me a break from that.

Alright, girls. Go find your new anthem to sing into a hairbrush. We’ll be here when you stop dancing on your bed and decide to put on something more than a cami and undies.

Compassionate Communicator? Aww shucks…

This week has been so busy! I’ve been doing a lot of training and working extra hours at work, so that’s eaten up a lot of my day. I finally started taking advantage of the on-site gym at my employer (it’s a GREAT perk), so I’ve been spending literally my entire day at work. But it’s okay – I’m really enjoying it for the most part. However, when I do get home at the end of the day, I’m pretty pooped and have no energy or desire to write, which is disappointing. I’ll need to work on that because I’m only going to get busier as the holidays approach.

Anyway, I have a strange burst of energy right now, so I’m going to take advantage of it to take the time to thank Jess for nominating me for the Compassionate Communicator award for my post “To 21-year old Ashley, Love 24-year old Ashley.” Though my mother might disagree with the combination of the words, (she often says I’m too harsh or callous), I gladly accept this award! Though I wrote the post while sort of delirious, and it was sort of tongue-in-cheek, I really enjoyed both writing it and reading it the next morning. (Am I allowed to say that about my own posts?)

 

I’ll admit that I’ve grown a bit jaded over the years, but who hasn’t? We’ve all suffered humiliations, heartbreaks, and disappointments, but that’s what makes us grow up and develop our own personalities. Poking fun at our past selves can be cathartic, too. Where’s the harm in saying, “Hey, you know what? Sometimes I look like a moron.”

Because this award is given for specific posts, I’m going to hold off on my own nominations for later this week (possibly even weekend), so I can catch up on what you’ve all written over the last week or so.

Again, thank you for reading and supporting me. I love you all!