You’re wrong, Facebook.

December 23, 2012December 23, 2012 / Ashley / 4 Comments

This probably isn’t as topical, since the feature was released like a week ago, but whatever. The other day, I tried Facebook’s Year in Review. Supposedly, it takes the 20 most important moments of 2012 and condenses them into a delightful thread of pictures and posts, allowing you to reminisce over what you chose to share with the internet.

Well, according to Facebook, I had a really lame year. And they’re right – but not for the reasons they chose.

1. February 29: 67 friends posted on my timeline on my birthday. Okay, it was pretty cool that I actually had a birthday this year (I’m not being ironic. I was born on Leap Day so I only get a real birthday once every four years), but seriously. A bunch of people I barely talk to took five seconds to wish me a happy birthday by typing a handful of words? Yeah, that’s one for the scrapbook. Score so far: 0/20

2. March 5: I shared an inaccurate and pixelated Someecard about the Mayan apocalypse coinciding with Snooki’s due date. Ten likes, three comments, and two shares. I thought it was hilarious and was actually disappointed to learn that Snooki’s baby would be born months before the apocalypse. Since I posted this on March 5, you’d think I’d have taken three seconds to do the math and realize that December 21 was more than nine months in the future. This is appropriate since I have a tendency to laugh before it’s appropriate. However, this is not one of my memorable moments of 2012. Score so far: 0/20.

3. March 21: I show what it’s like to party in Oklahoma. I was visiting my boyfriend at the time in Oklahoma. We went to the grocery store – probably to buy glass bottle Coke and ingredients to make flaming salsa, since that’s what we did at least three times whenever I visited. I’m pretty sure it’s from the last time I visited him. Seeing the picture reminds me how much fun I had visiting him. It was like vacation squared: I didn’t have to work or worry about responsibilities, and we were able to slip into a distinct sense of denial we carried whenever together. I don’t know what we were denying, only that it was a blissful and willfully ignorance. We existed in our own little world, free of responsibilities, pants, and any semblance of a healthy diet. It was wonderful. Score so far: 1/20

4. April 24: Selfie in ridiculous sunglasses. I took this a few days after breaking up with my boyfriend. My days were spent with Cake’s cover of “I Will Survive” on repeat and me seesawing between belting it out and sobbing. I was able to find three seconds to put on sunglasses to cover my puffy eyes and make it look like I was looking fearlessly to a new life on my own. My caption for the photo was inspired by Radiohead, probably from one of my many sobbing sessions: “New shades. New life. Everything in its right place.” Score so far: 2/20

5. April 29: I’m tagged in six photos of Katie’s Winter/Spring 2012 album. We did face masks one night and shot guns another time. This is half appropriate for the year in review. This was my first time shooting a gun, also right after the break up. One of the rifles had a kick that reminded me I was alive and capable of murder. It was pretty exhilarating. The face masks? Yeah, I just looked like a weirdo who wears super-high ponytails and likes to cover my face in tar. Score so far: 2.5/20

6. May 23: I share a link via Esperanza Spalding. I told people they should spend $2.99 on her Radio Music Society album. Two likes, eleven comments that are essentially an ironic and passive aggressive fight (the passive aggressive on me, entirely) with my friend Sam about the moralities of purchasing music on Amazon versus Bandcamp. I blame my explosion of passive aggression on the breakup; Sam is a boy. A boy hurt me, so I’ll slay him words and just SORT OF accuse him of being a communist. Score so far: 2.5/20

7. May 28: I embroider a really hilarious door decoration. This is so right. I’ve spent a lot of time making hand-made crafts this year – between cross-stitch projects (I made a Jenny Lawson-inspired “Knock Knock, Motherfucker” sign for Andrea), scarves, and attempted afghans, I don’t even want to calculate the time I spent weaving yarn in a methodical way. Without me articulating it, Facebook knew I was beginning my transformation to a sad lady who spends her time crocheting. Score so far: 3.5/20

8. June 20: I check in at the public pool. What? I went here three times over the summer. Each time, I just read and drank vodka lemonades I snuck in with my Nalgene bottle and read 50 Shades on my kindle. Ugh. You are so wrong, Facebook. Score so far: 3.5/20

9. July 7: I become friends with Logan. Sure. This is significant, Facebook. Aside from the fact that we’ve been friends since 2006. But yeah, let’s just say July 7 was the day it REALLY became friendship. Score so far: 4/20

10. August 1: I post a video of Andrea asking Siri why she’s a bitch. I think we spent this night drinking chocolate wine and crocheting, then laughing about Siri’s response (“I try to be good”) for fifteen minutes. Yes, this was a funny moment, but not one I’d consider significant in 2012. However, it is indicative of mine and Andrea’s friendship: crafting and laughing way too much about stupid things. Score so far: 4.5/20

11. August 6: I’m tagged in a silly photo of Olympic divers’ faces as they fall. What? Just because I was tagged with six others and 20 people I don’t know liked it? YOU’RE WRONG, FACEBOOK. This was not a significant moment of 2012. Score so far: 4.5/20

12. August 12: Sam posts a photo of a compressor with Russian labels. I translate the best I can, though neither of us know exactly what “hammer” means or what the “discreteness” knob is supposed to do. While I’d like to pretend I was able to pull these translations straight from my Russian vocabulary, I really just used my Cyrillic keyboard and Google translate, so yeah, vaguely entertaining, but not very significant. Score so far: 4.5/20

13. August 28: Status update. Hilarious. Goddamnit. I’m hilarious – even if I forgot a word in the update. I found my box of journals and spent a few weeks flipping through my teenage psyche. It was such an enlightening experience. Score so far: 5.5/20

14. October 4: Status update. This really meant a lot to me. Towards the end of summer and early autumn, I found that about half my family regularly reads my blog. This includes aunts who comment, an uncle who comments & gifted me wine when I was Freshly Pressed, and relatives who greet me at family get-togethers with “YOUR BLOG IS SO HILARIOUS! I LOVE READING IT!” This is a nice snapshot of my family’s support. They might not always agree with what I have to say, but they accept me for who I am, and that means more than I can express. I’m so lucky to have them. Score so far: 6.5/20

15. October 16: I’m tagged in a someecard post. The ecard reads “I work too damn hard to be this poor.” Apropos? Apropos. Score so far: 7/20

16. October 28: I’m tagged in 10 photos in Kaleigh’s Untitled album. Halloween pictures from a great weekend. I remember this weekend fondly as some of the few nights I went out in 2012. Both Friday and Saturday nights, I was with great friends, had good drinks, and met some wonderful people. This was a great weekend. Score so far: 8/20

17. October 28: I’m tagged in a post with Andrea. This exemplifies our friendship perfectly: unabashed laughter. For the first time since high school, I have a best friend. Score so far: 9/20

18. October 28: I’m tagged in Andrea’s Instagram album. More from this friendship including our curry dinner night, the Christmas party in October, and Halloween weekend. You’re so right, Facebook. Andrea has been one of the most important parts of my year. Score so far: 9/20

19. December 16: I changed my profile picture. Last weekend, I had a small get together with some friends. It was a nice night, but I don’t have the luxury of time to tell if this was a significant part of 2012. Katie is moving to Madison soon, so it might be one of the last times we get together before she leaves. We took a group photo in front of the Christmas tree near the end of the night and that became my profile picture that will ride into 2013. Score so far: 9.5/20

20. December 20: I’m tagged in five photos from Ashley’s mobile uploads. Ashley and I work together. We try to get together once a week for lunch – where we usually laugh about coworkers, complain about daily meetings, and catch up on each other’s lives. It’s not uncommon for people to CC the wrong Ashley on an email or to confuse our last names. Since I got a promotion and my first adult job with a benefit package and vacation, work has been pretty significant this year. I’ll give you this one, Facebook. Final Score: 10.5/20

Okay, so just over 50%. Better than I thought it would be. I’m curious to see what algorithm Facebook used to figure this out. Sure, some of the posts are the ones that got a lot of likes, but some – like my friendship with Logan – didn’t get any. Still, my friendship with Logan was a pretty significant part of my 2012 despite the lack of Facebook posts on it. (Is Facebook in my text messages?) I wonder how I would have reacted if Facebook had summed 2012 perfectly. What would be necessary?

The beginning of the year with some dark family problems I don’t care to air here, the bliss of my relationship with Bill while he visited for winter break, Andrea’s moving back to the area, my blog post when Bill and I broke up (and subsequent status updates about crying to Gotye and Taylor Swift songs), moving into my new apartment with Carissa, being Freshly Pressed, my promotion, Halloween weekend, and…what else? The numerous scarves I’ve crocheted this year? My New Years eve that will consist of dancing in Milwaukee? My obligatory lyric-quote of Death Cab’s song?

All I know is that I’m totally okay with leaving this year behind to greet fresh things in 2013.

How to end a 60-hour work week

November 9, 2012 / Ashley / 6 Comments

I spent today being a professional, so I thought I would contrast that by sitting on the couch and watching television. So far it’s been fantastic. On the way home from work, I made a mental list of ways to unwind from your 60-hour work week.

Listen to ridiculous music. I recommend something borderline annoying and abrasive. Gangnam Style fits, but I think it helps when you’re singing words and not just sounds. My personal favorites are T Swift (We are Never Ever Getting Back Together is a good one), anything by Kanye West, and recently, the Ting Tings. I think I’m about five years behind the trend, but I’ve listened to this song about eight times tonight.
Buy yourself some beer. But only if you’re of legal age. If you have a favorite beer, go for that – but you can treat yourself to a Pick Six, because seriously – you’ve worked 60 hours this week. Treat yo’self.

Eat terrible food.Obviously, I don’t mean eat food that tastes terrible. Eat food that is in no way nutritious for you. Pizza is okay, but it’s got the cheese and meat which has protein – and that’s nutritious. Stay away from that crap and make yourself some of this crap:
Mix 1 package funfetti cake mix, 2 cups yogurt (plain or vanilla), 1 cup whipped cream. Eat with crap: (vanilla wafers, graham crackers, teddy grahams, oreos, thin mints, etc)
Get Hulu Plus. Or get Netflix and have your roommate pay for Hulu Plus. Just make sure you’re able to watch the last week’s episodes of The Daily Show and the Colbert Report so you can stay informed just enough.
Put on sweats. I’m not explaining this.

My Pick Six included a blueberry lager, a coriander ale, and four other bottles that could never be compared to Corona. I think this photo is indicative of my versatility as a worker. (ie: the ability to rock a silky mint blouse, have voluminous hair, and take low-quality selfies with my tablet)

H8rs gon h8.

November 7, 2012November 7, 2012 / Ashley / 4 Comments

Today something great happened.

I got my first hater.

I was sitting at my desk when the green notification light on my phone started blinking. I finished up a small project before I checked it. Two new emails, 5 texts, and new interactions on Twitter. The emails were from WordPress, informing me of new subscriptions. The texts were from Twitter and a couple friends. Twitter told me of retweets (“Hey bed: I’m gonna sleep on you so hard tonight.”) and one mention.

The mention was simple. Thirty-six characters meant to express a single thought:

My words are stupid.

I was excited. I’ve had a lot of nice feedback about my blog (“It’s so funny!” “I love reading it!” “It’s on my quick links on my browser!”), but nobody has dissed it. While I’d love to think that everyone who reads this thinks I’m the next voice of America, I’m also aware of reality. In reality, I probably appeal to a small segment of the population: those people who are interested in the mildly entertaining thoughts of a twenty-something girl who lives in Wisconsin. I’m not writing to please everyone. To be honest, I write to entertain myself. If other people like it, that’s a bonus. I don’t say this to be a jerk. I say it because if I tried to please everyone (or even just one other person), I’d never be able to share anything.

I don’t write a political blog. I don’t write reviews. I don’t share recipes or crafts. I don’t give beauty advice. I write about growing up – and I don’t even give advice on that. I express expertise in nothing other than displaying my lack of perfection. I write a personal blog and I don’t claim to be anything more.

But this is beside the point, because he didn’t insult my blog. He insulted my Twitter feed. Which is sort of hilarious. It’s Twitter. I have 140 characters to express thoughts. I’m aware that Twitter can be an amazing social tool. It has the capability of connecting people from all over the world like a gigantic cocktail party with 8 million conversations – all of which are begging to be interrupted. Some of these conversations are highbrow and topical. You know like the ones that begin: “Hey bed: I’m gonna sleep on you so hard tonight.”

I’ve never understood why a person would insult someone on the internet. Maybe they just want to take advantage of the internet’s convenient veil of anonymity.

I’m at an interesting point with my presence on the internet. It’s small – mostly friends and family on Facebook, a few hundred readers on WordPress, and less than 200 followers on Twitter. But I’m owning up to it. A year ago, I was a bit bashful and almost embarrassed to say I have a blog. Now, it’s one of those things I do. I’m not in the business of changing minds. If someone thinks blogging is weird or dorky, I’ll let them continue thinking that. I just know that I’ve found it to be a very rewarding and exciting experience.

The beauty of social networking is that you can make it whatever you like. I suppose I could use my Facebook, Twitter, and blog to educate, but I don’t. I use them to make jokes.

Also, to share the creepy picture I set for my desktop at work.

Anyway, I appreciate the hater. It gives me the chance to be self righteous about my self-indulgence. I don’t get a chance to do that very often.

I have already settled it for myself so flattery and criticism go down the same drain and I am quite free. – Georgia O’Keeffe

My Voting History

November 6, 2012November 6, 2012 / Ashley / 1 Comment

It’s election night. I’m on my couch in my flannel (it’s awesome, you guys) watching the election coverage and getting nervous about Florida.

I just switched from Fox to ABC and everything I thought I knew just changed. WTF. Fox said Baldwin won Wisconsin. But now ABC said it’s not finalized? Whatever, I’ll go to NBC.

I think I just remembered why I’ve never bothered to watch election coverage: I”m left hoping my guy won but feeling completely helpless while all of these overly made-up buffoons pretend to know what they’re talking about.

So instead of liveblogging my experience with election coverage, I thought I’d give you a look at my voting history.

Just a minute…I’ve got to make a patriotic hat in paint.

1996: I’m eight years old. I sometimes hear things about Clinton. And sometimes about Dole. When my second grade teacher takes a break from history to tell us we’re going to vote for the president, I try to remember who I’m supposed to vote for. I vaguely remember my parents saying more good things about Dole, so that’s who I vote for.

1998: I’m ten years old. I’m in the car with my mom after having just dropped Katie off after school. We’re passing Clinton Park, a tiny thing with three swings and a slide. I would never bother playing there. My mom tells me that Clinton should be impeached for cheating on his wife – that it’s unacceptable behavior for a president. I agree, then remember that James and the Giant Peach was a weird movie.

2000: I’m twelve years old. Sitting in the bandroom with the orchestra and band students, we’re told we’re going to vote for the president. It occurs to me that they might be using our responses as indications of our parents’ voting styles. Just to spite the system, I tell them I’m voting for Gore.

2004: I’m sixteen years old. Most of my friends wear Chuck Taylors and own a minimum of five band t-shirts. George Bush is a terrible human being who doesn’t know how to say “nuclear.” Joining the wave of my friends, I tell my civics teacher that in our hypothetical vote, I’m voting for Kerry. I then put my headphones back on to confirm that Matchbook Romance is the best band ever.

2006: I’m eighteen and it’s my freshman year of college. There’s a vote on a gay marriage ban. Campus sidewalks are covered with “VOTE NO” and “FREE LOVE”. During the weeks leading up to the gay marriage ban, I have a few conversations with my aunt and I finally hear a decent summation of what I have been trying to articulate: “If God exists and he doesn’t like gay marriage, it’s not our place to place judgement or dictate what people can’t do.” He gave us free will, didn’t he? We can go ahead and be “beacons” of resplendent behavior, but our scope of power doesn’t go further. Basically, I don’t think morality can or should be dictated. People just need to not be assholes to each other. Anyway, I vote no.

2008: I’m twenty. I take the 15 bus from the UW-Milwaukee Campus to the Shorewood library to cast my vote. It feels exciting to be a part of the election of the first black president. I feel like a part of history! I realize it’s a completely nonsense thought, but I go with it anyway. My boyfriend at the time tells me he voted for McCain. I tell him he’s kidding. He says no. I keep pushing, and eventually he says he was just kidding: he voted for Obama. A few years later, I realize that he actually did vote for McCain. This solidifies my assertion that he shouldn’t be my boyfriend.

2012: I’m twenty-four. Wisconsin has a recall election. I’m not very informed. I’m annoyed by democrats on campus. I think that it’s a good idea to get the state out of debt and I no longer see the purpose of unions. I vote for Scott Walker. SHUT UP, DEM FRIENDS. (Also, please don’t ostracize me. I love you guys.)

2012: Still twenty-four. My mom buys a Romney-Ryan sign and sticks it in her front yard. We get in an argument about abortion and I end up leaving her house late on a Friday night. I decide to not talk politics with her. A few weeks later, I’m in a meeting at work and my supervisors start talking about the election. The whole team starts in on a big conversation, leaning very heavily to the right. An upper-level manager looks me in the eye and says (in a tongue in cheek sort of way), “Ashley, you better hope you’re a republican, or I don’t know…” I swallow to calm my nerves before I respond. “I was always told there were four things not appropriate for polite conversation: sex, religion, politics, and Brett Favre,” I say. The room erupts into congenial laughter as we exit the conference room. After work, I black out an oval next to a funny name.

Nov 12, 2012, 10:30ish: I make a hoot, much like the one my dad makes when the Packers score.